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Who Am I?

29 May

Question?

I finally had a little free time today to sit down and read some blogs that I’m WAY behind on. I came across this at Caleigh’s Corner:

“Often I wonder if parents, just like myself, lose their identities in the care of their children. I’m truly different since Caleigh’s diagnosis during pregnancy, and it becomes more apparent all the time. Crowds are now difficult for me to handle. Social situations are awkward at best. My bubbly persona that once described me only peeks through every now and then. I was the girl that was always happy. Always smiling. I can still smile and laugh, but my motives are different. The results have changed. I’m definitely more cynical and snide about certain things. Where before I was naively positive. My empathy for others and their needs isn’t what it should be; isn’t what it once was. My rational is jaded. I’m not walking around crying all the time, but I definitely have a more serious nature about me now.”

And I seriously teared up. Her words mirror pretty much exactly how I feel. It’s not something that I necessarily LIKE, it’s just something that IS. The social area is where I notice the most differences. Crowds ARE difficult for me to handle now. I often feel socially awkward, and like I don’t quite fit in or know what to say. I used to love going out or hosting people. Now – not so much. I’d much rather stay home and be “hermit-y.” Maybe because I’m often tired and soul-weary. I’m not sure I feel like I’ve lost my identity, but I definitely feel like it’s shifted and I’m constantly rediscovering it. I know I would not trade a single day of my time with Jenna and I’m so very glad that I get to be home with her. I know that my perspective on many things has changed positively as a result of Jenna’s presence in my life. Are these changes I notice a result of being a special needs parent or just the natural result of motherhood? Or maybe just a part of “growing up” and the constant evolution that is life? I don’t know the answers.

What I CAN tell you, is this is why I blog. It’s why I read blogs. There are still a lot of people out there who don’t get it. Who think I’m wasting time. But, finding a connection with people/parents who are experiencing many of the same things? Finding that you’re not so alone on the journey?

That’s absolutely priceless.

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10 responses to “Who Am I?

  1. PrincessJenn

    May 29, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Oh I so hear you on this. Before we had V we used to travel, have parties, etc, etc. Now? We’re lucky if we leave the house some weekends.
    I think part of it is just being a parent… your focus shifts from “my life” to “their life”.
    But when you add the special needs part on top of that? Yes, the added dynamic makes it hard sometimes. You have to weigh the effect of going out and the effort of dealing with the after effects of that. Most days? I just don’t have the energy.

     
  2. Barbara

    May 29, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    I think all 3 of the factors you mentioned bear some in your search for self, now.

    Besides Holly, Caleigh’s mom, SingleDad mused the same question:
    http://www.disableddaughter.com/?p=3769

    I love blogging and have missed spending as much time on it lately. I just re-read my last post of 2010 – you might like it. Use the archives tab.

     
  3. PsychMamma

    May 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Barbara –

    Thanks for the links!

     
  4. PsychMamma

    May 30, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    PrincessJenn –

    If only there was an energy outlet we could plug in to!! 😉

     
  5. K

    May 31, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I feel this way about pregnancy and babies; just kind of damaged and wary based on my experience and find myself tempted to have the verbal diarrhea on anyone who is pregnant about EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG.

    I try to keep that Debbie Downer-gal to myself for is she zero fun.

     
  6. PsychMamma

    June 1, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    K-

    That Debbie Downer is sneaky in the way she can creep up, unannounced. I frequently put her in time out. 🙂

     
  7. Can Can Broom

    June 3, 2011 at 2:15 am

    I feel like that a lot of the time. I hope it will ease up when I ‘retire” from teaching preschool. Them kids wears me down!

     
  8. punkinmama

    June 6, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I definitely think part of that comes from being a parent… life is definitely different now than it used to be. I know most days I struggle with the question so “Who am I really?”. But I’m sure that is infinitely more difficult when you have a child with special needs. Which is also why you *do* need friends (whether they be “real” or if they just “live in your computer”). 😉 We’re all here to help each other in any little way we can.

     
  9. PsychMamma

    June 6, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Punkinmama –

    And I’m immensely glad I connected with you! xo

     
  10. PsychMamma

    June 6, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Can Can –

    Ha! If only we could harness their energy……

     

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