I finally had a little free time today to sit down and read some blogs that I’m WAY behind on. I came across this at Caleigh’s Corner:
“Often I wonder if parents, just like myself, lose their identities in the care of their children. I’m truly different since Caleigh’s diagnosis during pregnancy, and it becomes more apparent all the time. Crowds are now difficult for me to handle. Social situations are awkward at best. My bubbly persona that once described me only peeks through every now and then. I was the girl that was always happy. Always smiling. I can still smile and laugh, but my motives are different. The results have changed. I’m definitely more cynical and snide about certain things. Where before I was naively positive. My empathy for others and their needs isn’t what it should be; isn’t what it once was. My rational is jaded. I’m not walking around crying all the time, but I definitely have a more serious nature about me now.”
And I seriously teared up. Her words mirror pretty much exactly how I feel. It’s not something that I necessarily LIKE, it’s just something that IS. The social area is where I notice the most differences. Crowds ARE difficult for me to handle now. I often feel socially awkward, and like I don’t quite fit in or know what to say. I used to love going out or hosting people. Now – not so much. I’d much rather stay home and be “hermit-y.” Maybe because I’m often tired and soul-weary. I’m not sure I feel like I’ve lost my identity, but I definitely feel like it’s shifted and I’m constantly rediscovering it. I know I would not trade a single day of my time with Jenna and I’m so very glad that I get to be home with her. I know that my perspective on many things has changed positively as a result of Jenna’s presence in my life. Are these changes I notice a result of being a special needs parent or just the natural result of motherhood? Or maybe just a part of “growing up” and the constant evolution that is life? I don’t know the answers.
What I CAN tell you, is this is why I blog. It’s why I read blogs. There are still a lot of people out there who don’t get it. Who think I’m wasting time. But, finding a connection with people/parents who are experiencing many of the same things? Finding that you’re not so alone on the journey?
That’s absolutely priceless.